My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
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Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
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Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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