i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
vagina is talking i cant
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
