Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
