i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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