a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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