Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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