The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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