Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
