the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
