did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
