I will die if light touches me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
