I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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