Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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