I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So vagazzling was a success
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
