I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
