just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
