If i come over, it means nothing
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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