Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
