So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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