I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
