All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???