I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
