She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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