so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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