i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
