I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
