Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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