paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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