I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
