Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
