i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
it's great music for shaving your balls
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Randomize