My underwear smells like fireworks.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
