Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
