Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
