no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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