put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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