Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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