bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I have fence marks all over my body
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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