Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
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