wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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