Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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