my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
