Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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