Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
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Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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