How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
