Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
