Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
