Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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