Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
