She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
