i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Randomize
