Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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