The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
