Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
