defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
