Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
