I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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